Well- happy June to you all.
I was going to post all the lovely pictures of all the places and things I have been to and done over the past couple of weeks (but not had time to post cause of doing all the lovely things!) but a weird thing happended to me tonight which has made me want to post about that tonight to get it out of my system. So lovely pictures will be posted tomorrow- promise!
Anyway, dont know if I have mentioned it on here previously but it is my nan's 90th birthday in July and when me and mum were discussing what to get her I mentioned that it would be a nice thing to have a family portrait done- me, my brother, nan, my mum and my step dad. It seemed to both me and mum a good solution as nan always goes on about not wanting anything as she has got everything she needs but as its a special birthday we wanted to get her something special.
I was very excited about the prospect of getting a lovely photo of us all together to go on my shelf at home with all the other random and old photos I have.
But then the moaning started. Mum complained about the logistics of getting us all together, about having to find a photographer about getting it all sorted. My step dad is not noted as the most social of people and he groaned at the thought of having to go to a studio and be in front of the camera and my brother cant stand having his photo taken and complained like buggery about it. So here I was, the only member of the family who thought it would be a lovely idea to have a photo of us all.
I'm getting really sick of this lately. I feel like its only me who cares about us all being together. It's always me who hauls ass to see my mum and step dad- they never come to see me. I try to sort family days out and family meals and family get togethers. It's hard to understand all this without a bit of background I suppose- in simple terms my nan isnt my mums mum but my invisible dad's mum. As he isnt around mum has been kind enough to put up the money etc to look after my nan- a heroic and kind gesture.
Anyway- a phone conversation with my mum tonight brought it all home to me. She suggested that instead of getting a family portrait done it should just be me, my brother and my nan. A suggestion to which I promptly went silent. When she asked what was up I said I was dissappointed and then started crying (which suprised me as much as it did her). She said I was making a big fuss of nothing and that my nan would prefer it to be just the 3 of us anyway and then she dropped the bombshell "its not for you is it its for nan".
It was at that exact moment that I suddenly realised that I had wanted the portrait done all along for me not for nan. I wanted a family picture of us all together looking happy and connected to put on my bookshelf in some attempt to make that picture the reality- but it isnt.
My parents got divorced when I was younger. They didnt get on and a lot of our family pictures from Christmas's and birthdays in my childhood are so depressing as you can see the family disquiet. Plus my dad set fire to most of our photos when my mum left him so I dont have that many pictures anyway.
And so today I have a step dad who is nice and who has been so kind to take me and my brother in as his kids over the past 15 years. And I guess what I wanted was to have that picture: me, mum, dad, nan and brother, that I never had when I was a kid, so I could say 'look at that; we made a family unit out of all that shit'.
Who am I kidding? How selfish is that?!
The reality check here is that my step dad keeps himself to himself and that over the past couple of years I've seen less and less of him- even over xmas and new year, when I make a point of trying to have some time with everyone- he spends most of it in his room on his computer.
Mum has decided that new years eve is a waste of time 'an anti-climax' and decided she wont be bothering this year. Which is a shame considering that I enjoy being at home for new year and so now it seems I wont be welcome.
My brother is around but young and busy- he rarely touches base with anyone, even though I make a point of talking to mum every night. Who can blame him, he is a busy guy!!
And my poor old nan. Well I guess the uncomfortable truth is that who knows how much longer we will have her with us.
So the truth of the matter is that I am chasing some kind of fantasy before- heaven forbid- my nan isnt around anymore. The truth of the matter is that that fantasy cant happen because my nan isnt my mums mum and my step dad isnt my real dad and that dream I have in my head of some magical family is something that nobody really has and I need to stop putting pressure on everyone I love to try and make it happen.
Anyway after all my ranting a portrait of me with my nan will be lovely, and I need to stop being so self centred and think of her instead.
Well, this post is a load of bollocks really. Just a vent to get it out of my system so I wont feel so upset about it tonight. Just ignore me ok.
